If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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