paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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