I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Dear god my vagina.
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