this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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