i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
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