omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
