Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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