Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
