UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
