listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
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