today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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