1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
