i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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