You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Randomize
