Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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