im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
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