On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Randomize
