Will you blow on my dice?
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
