Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
