I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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