I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
