I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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