Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
