Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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