doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
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