the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you traded sex for a burrito?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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