He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
