she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
