So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
