I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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