she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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