Is it normal to miss your booty call?
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
