If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
