when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
