I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
