Plan B is the new Plan A
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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