Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You smell like stripper and shame
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
