what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
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