Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
