i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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