I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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