farters have to be the big spoon...
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
