I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
