she kept yelling 'call me bella'
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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