nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Shitshow foam night was such a success
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Randomize
