Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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