somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Of course I have a pirate flag
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
