After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
