He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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