Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Still dying that you shit outside
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
